Watching the world go to shit

slowly dying on the inside

2005-10-11T08:10:55Z

uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh why do I go on? I don't really know. Maybe some thoughts that something good will come out of the film. Doubt anything will come of it though.

The few things I've written have taken on some kind of attack on society. Angry and spiteful kind of stuff. Use to be just angry and self destructive. Somethings changing. Not sure what. Maybe reality is sinking into my mind slowly.

The worlds no pretty thing.

I'm getting sick of this world. The way people treat people. The way I treat people.

I'd like to say good bye, but I fail to.

I'm never on your list

2005-09-01T06:40:22Z

uhh no one stays on anymore. Most people are gone by 10 at night. Then I'm stuck awake till wehnever I just give up on having anyone to talk to. Seems like no one wants to talk to me either though when there are people to talk to. At least most people that I use to talk to fine with, now it seems like their busy. They probably are. Just bothersome being ignored to me. Even if it isn't on purpose. I rarely see anyone I know my age. I don't think I ever did unless I was in school. What sucks about living out in the middle of nowhere. No one wants to drop by. Wish someone would. Anyone. Well not a killer or robber. Someone though.

necrophila yum yum

2005-07-15T23:49:50Z

well I feel kind of stupid right about now. Found out that nekromantik was on netflix after all last night. So weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee I'll get to see the first one and second one :D YAY. that is all for now.

laughs

2005-07-15T04:48:00Z

I was feeling like poo a lil bit ago. Still kind of blahish right about now. Somewhat better now. This coke and pop tart have fixed me up I believe. Maybe not though I unno. Oh well. weeeeeeeeee Made a lil film involving rain. Can't really tell it raining though *shurgs* kind of lame. *yawn* I'm freaking tired kind of unno why damit. bah.

hmm they sure just said shit alot in that scene of this movie. How crazy.

today was pretty boring today. pretty boring. Had a nice lil talk on the phone today. Was a little too much talking on the other end that made my head hurt, but that ok I didn't mind. weeee

hmm don't gots nothing to say.

fucking title

2005-07-13T07:22:08Z

I want to see Nekromantik, but it cost alot to buy and I unno bout renting it at pedzo chunk that be odd. 0_o oh well maybe they'll have it on netlix soon. They got Nekormantik 2 on there but not the first one. Wtf is up with that 0_o bastards need to get the first one. They say they're gettin schramm who knows when that could be. I'm glad they're getting more indie/uber cult films. Wish they'd just get them thoughs bastards. Seems like they only get like one copy of the movies I want to see, since I don't like many popular films. Only reason I get films cause they old or no one wants to see them probably lol. uhhh oh wells. I love movies <3

I might go see movie tomorrow weeeeeeeeeeeee. unno though. Just kind of picked one that seemed intersting. So unno weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

hmmm didn't do much today. I just sat here in front of el computer like usual. Made a video of my playing the drums even though I can't. Used this weird red effect on it. Kind of cool made me want to make something else using it. I probably will some day. I unno when I'll do that. Other than that nothign really happend today.

uhh don't think I should have ate those chips and salsa.

wlel hope i have more to write about tomorrow.

the caffinee fiend dies

2005-07-12T10:19:47Z

*vomits* uhh I'm a fucking awful person. killing shit just cause it bugs me. Stupid possum had it coming that bastard. All eating my cats food like it owned the place. I've killed like two of them before last summer. Nasty stuff that was. At least I didn't get any blood on me those times. I feel bad for snuffing the fucker. I don't know why. Kind of looked like a lil furry baby with a tail. Kind of weird how you can kill insects so mindlessly yet anything bigger than a fly makes you think. I don't get how people can kill deer and the likes. I guess I could wouldn't really want to though. I wonder if I could kill a cow if things came down to not being able to get meat any other way. I must admit though I wasn't as hesitant as I was with the first two. Just had to find a weapon and bash it. Cept I didn't really hesiatate much cept to figure out where it was in the bag of cat food. I don't get how people murder other people. People scream and kick and fight agressively. Possum acts dead so you can just bash it repeadtly. Cept once they get the hard enough blow they kind of freak out. Then hit them some more and they finally die. I guess it's the same way with murdering a person. Cept without the regret I guess. Well if you're a serial killer. Just doing it out of rage you probably regret it more than anything. Lifes a funny thing. Stupid thing too. I dont know. I regret doing that. I did it though.

Was having a pretty fucking nice night. Had good amoutn of people talking to me late into the night. Then they slowly went away. Cept for one. I was happy just talking to her. hmm happy lol me happy rare thing isn't it. Quite rare. I feel sad now though. Was fine for an hour or two maybe more. Not sure if I was happy or it was just the large amount of caffinee flowing through my veins. At least I wasn't depressed I guess. weeeeee so yeah everything was going fucking fine then that bastard possum came in ruined everything. Seems like that's how it goes with me being happy or at least at peace with myself. Something comes along and fucks it up. Usually something nice and nasty like that. I remeber this one birthday I had at a pool my dad was suppose to bring pizza and he got a flat. Then the time my dads parents came down to vist us. I was having a nice lovely day buying stuff. Think it was a lil bit after christmas. Had returned a gift and had money so I went and spent it. Then we went and had lunch with my grandparents. My dad had been drinking and when we were in the parking lot she took away his keys and they yelled and so forth. I started to cry was very upset about it. Guess that's why I don't like talking to people I care about when they're drunk. I've grown weary of drunks lately. After having that incident at Bea's. Just don't really want to be around people when they've been drinking. Alright enough of that for now.

I want to do something decent tomorrow not just sit here like I usually do. That's what I always think. *sigh* I think I'm done writing for now.
the titles from a haiku I wrote once

shower

2005-07-08T07:00:58Z

I felt like shit today. My stomach had it's lil joke on me. Spent more time in the bathroom than I would like. uhh I hate my stomach. fucking bastard. ahhhhhhhh *rips it out and eats it* wahahaha

anyway. So yeah I felt like shit for most of the day. I still don't feel too great at this time. Not just the stomach but other things. I'll get over most of it most likely. most likely.

had dream last night was odd. I was high and ridding around with someone. We were looking for a party I suppose. First place seemed dark and empty like there was no one there so we left and went somewhere else. Kind of just parked on the side of the road. The guy I was with started walking around in the woods. I just stood by the car all nervouse like. Which is probably what would really happen in such a situation specially when I'm stoned. So anyway he was like hey come hold the flash light. So I went into the woods and held it and found this fire and people. They weren't the peopl we were looking for though apparently so we left. Made the way back to my house. Weird thing was it was day when we were driving back. I didn't want to go home cause I was high, but it was a situation where I had to I guess. There was a school bus in front of us. Then the dream was done with.

I took a long long cold shower tonight. I'd just sit in the tub as the water fell down on me. An odd feeling it is. My hair kind of protected my eyes from getting water splashed in them, before my hair got to o wet, then it was like being attacked by water. Something sothing about it though. Took my mind off of things. Just thought about what I was feeling. Think it made me angry though. I don't know why. Probably the water splashing into my eyes. Stinging. I also would just stand and bend over let the water fall down around me. If I leaned just right it felt like the water was trying to drown me as it went up my nose.

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

missing

2005-07-07T00:11:12Z

hmm I had a dream last night. only thing I remeber is that part of my penis was missing. I don't know why I noticed it. I don't think it had anything to do with me haivng sex or anything. Just happend to see my penis for some reason and half the head was missing. weirdness.

anyway moo.

I don't really got much to say

push pin boy full of joy

2005-06-27T08:54:32Z

there's so much pain in this world...someone somewhere is dying in pain, crying themselves to sleep, getting beaten by their father, getting raped, getting hit by a car, getting shot, slicing their wrist open cause they can't stand being alone and rejected day in and day out. Somewhere someone is doing something like this.

I don't get how child birth can be thought of as happy. It's painful for the mother forcing the child out unless she's drugged up, and painful for the father having to watch his lover go through such pain. Then there's these thoughts I've had about bringing up a child in this awful world. Just keeping them alive long enough till they move out. Then see them every now and then them hating every moment they're around you and just wanting to escape away from your house. That's not always how it happens, but that's how it seems to be with my family.

psh family. My sisters didn't even give me a call on my birthday this year. Even when one of them called a few days later they didn't bother to talk to me. Just like I never had one.

Family is like your friends from school. After awhile you stop seeing them. Then it's like you never even knew them.

Maybe I'm just completly detached from everything. All these thoughts and feelings I have are all my causing. Nothings making me depressed except myself. I'm too blame. Everythings my fault and I can only try and fix it somehow.

The tip of my nose hurts. I'm not sure why. Think it might be sun burned. I looked in the mirror at my ugly self and my nose didn't look sunburnt. It hurts though that's all I know.

I don't get why anyone thinks I'm great or perfect or special or anything. I don't think I'd be here if I was great or any of those other words. I wouldn't spend most of my time alone. Wouldn't be so fucking depressed. Or maybe I would be. I don't know. I just don't see myself as being anything close to great. I'm just another body to go into the ground.

Wish I could just wake up one day and be happy. Just fucking smile like that day was going to be anotehr great day. Not a fucking misrable.

Pains a part of life. Everyone gets sad at some point in their life. Just some live their lifes in pain. Some of these people can rid themselves of it with drugs. Others solve it with suicide. Most just ignor it and try to be happy with what's going on.

I'd like a hug...but oh well.

fucking chicken

2005-06-23T08:44:35Z

fucking shit what's wrong with people. that fucking kid that got stuck up in the mountian his parents are proud of him for hidding from strangers. He could have fucking died if it wasn't for strangers. He's lucky they found his dumb ass when they did. How did god have anything to do with it either? Parents were talking about how there was divine intervention. Watch their kid be the next hitler. Probably not though since most people get their five minutes and that's it. Then again seems like people are getting their five weeks now. Women runs away from being wed and she's on tv for days.

SHIT ON ME! come on and SHIT ON ME!

2005-06-07T07:22:44Z

It's getting to the atpoint in life where I must leave home soon. I'm not sure if I'm going to make it for long when I move out. Especially if I move out on my own living by myself. Probably be dead in a week if I'm lucky.

I had an awful day today. I'm not sure why it happend but I had a lil break down for some reason. Kind of thought bout how even adults think I'm a joke. Just something to be made fun of. Nothign worth listing to for any reason. Just a piece of shit to be fucked with and laughed at. At least to most people.

Felt better for a little bit my mind got off of this shitty life I have. Then someone came on and ruined what lil peace I had. Wasn't her fault really she didn't know bout the awful day I was having. I sure as hell wasn't in the mood to hear what was said though. Kind of stupid to get upset about it, but I did like always. Never suprised but it still upsets me just the same.

I feel like getting trashed and oding on something right now. Know it's a very stupid thing to do drugs when you're depressed so I guess I won't.

Not that I really want to die or anything, but there's nothing really makign me want to stay around much longer. I just feel so fucked over that I don't know why I even bother waking up. Shit I don't even want to wake up when I do. Usually just want to slame my head back into the pillow and fall back asleep.

Very few people have made me felt like I was worth something to them. Only like one maybe two people have done that.

oh well

mmmmm jacket spluges

2005-05-30T06:11:57Z

So I made out with a coat last night....in my dream that is. I'll get to that in a little bit.

Today I went and saw House of Wax was gory so I was pleased with it. Not the best movie but what horror movie is really that great anyways? That's about all I did today though. weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Last night's dream was kind of ordinary well at first that is. Was just me wandering around town don't remeber if I was alone or not or following someone. After wandering around town for awhile I ended up at someone's house. I was sitting on a couch with some peoples, not sure who they were. Then this couple ran into this room to go at it I suppose. Then after awhile the girl came out and jumped on me and I started making out with either her or her jacket. So that was the dream.

Saturday I erm uhhh didn't really do anything to exciting. Went to get a network cable so I can play online in my room on the ol xbox. I thought it wouldn't work cause when I set it up it kicked me off and said it couldn't find xbox live. Today it worked alright though. So it's all good. Hmm Also got a book from Half Price Books. The book is the great and secret show by Clive Barker. Is prety intersting so far. Hmm what else did I get? Oh yeah this dvd called Blame! I haven't watched it yet.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Friday night I went and saw HUG play live. I must say that was quite an intersting show in genral. Assacre was quite an intersting hmm preformer I suppose you'd call him. He was dressed up in I'm not sure what kind of a messed up robe, and this kind of godzilla looking cloth mask thingy. He played a cd while playing some speed metal along to it on guitar. Was different. There were two other bands wasn't too impressed by them though. I actually got up from my chair when HUG was going on. Was quite fun people were dancing like crazy. I kind of bounced around some. The HUG dancers were quite entertaining. There was a point where confetti was thrown around some and one of the dancers gave me a nice hit on the head with some of it and scared me. Then when HUG played worms that dancer went around feeding people gummy worms and I was like ahhh don't give me one, since I don't like gummy objects they make me gag. I really enjoyed that show. It was freaking awesome. I didn't see the encore though, cause I was freaking tired.

Alright so yeah that's all I gotta say today weeeeeeeeeee

lost

2005-05-28T09:09:17Z

was going to write bout the HUG show I went to, but ehhh I feel like shit right now maybe tomorrow though.

so seems like I never have to ask questions I don't want to ask people just tell me what I want to know. Usually the thing I don't want to hear.

I'm giving up on ever having a relationship with someone. cause I either fuck it up, or the girls a whore. So I rather not deal with that.

I'm a fucking mess.

Wish I could change for once, but any time I try to I just stop myself. Then regret it.

I don't know what to do.

detachedhead @ 2005-05-26T20:43:00

2005-05-27T02:16:58Z

FUCK
I feel so
lonely
unwanted
betrayed
dead
unhappy
depressed
diseased
sick
broken
crushed
feed up
angry
and other stuff

There's no point in life. That's what religon is for. Fill in that hole. Kind of nice go somewhere that everyone agrees with you, or at least somewhat they do. Kind of a way to escape the world. kind of like a drug.

My mind hurts.....

I'd like to die. I really would. I'm just going to let nature take its' course I guess.

I'm getting sick of people.

Everyone's a whore. Doing something they don't care for, for something they want. Money, sex, drugs, "happines", pain, pleasure, all kinds of shit.

fuck life

going to your funeral I'm feeling like a fool

2005-05-23T04:03:06Z

someone brought up funeral's a lil bit ago. I don't want one personally. Just something I don't want to happen to me. Have a few people gathered around saying how I look all nice and shit. Just gathering around and lying what the fucks the point of that. The persons fucking dead they can't fucking hear you saying things about how nice they look and how nice they were. I don't want that fucking shit.

ahhh survey :(

2005-05-20T20:08:02Z

1. Total number of films I own on DVD:

alot lets see 140

2. The last film I bought:

Spawn

3. The last film I watched:

at Home- Spawn

at the movies - Kung Fu Hustle

4. Five films that I watch a lot or that mean a lot to me:

erm Fight club
Rocky Horror picture show
Brazil
High Tension

5. Pick six people and have them put this in their journal:

do this later

detachedhead @ 2005-05-11T18:14:00

2005-05-11T23:37:34Z

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh forgot to write about a dream I had. so now I gotta write about two dreams I had weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

so

guess I'll start with the first one.

alright this was quite a complex dream involving a simpsons episode about the end of the world(which was on recently) and some surffer guys contemplating the end of the world. I was also watching this episode at the same time. It wasn't really like the simpsons just the characters. It was kind of like some bizzare cult talking about the end of the world. I don't really remeber much. After that it went to the surfer dudes and the world apparently really was ending. So they were coming to terms with stuff. I'm not sure what all happend after this. Was pretty damn long dream. For some reason there was a part with me hanging around with Jared and we went into this store to take a piss. The men's room was in the store itself and didn't have a seprate room. So Jared starts taking a piss and I try to but he keeps pissing towards me. SO I try to avoid it while trying to piss at the same time.

the second dream

I had quite a bit of dreams today, but erm only one part really stood out at least I remebered it.

on to the dream

I was on a bus, not a school bus but a city bus. I don't ride the city bus any so I'm not sure what was up with that. Anyway there was this quite attractive girl sitting behind me. She said hello to me and I ignored her since I didn't know her. Then for some reason I turned around and she talked to me. It was quite odd what she was saying to me. Something about having two jaws, and how it was quite odd that she did. She said it was some disorder. I don't remeber the name though. After that we started kissing eachother. I don't know what that was about. She had quite lovely eyes. Nothing looked odd like some weird jaw or anything. Kind of odd since I've never seen anyone that looks like her.

welllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
I don't really got much to say today. weeeeeeeeeeeee I hope pickle makes me that pink jacket wooooooooooo

I like sluts and whore's and I don't care what you think about me

2005-05-09T05:59:25Z

hmm I had quite an odd dream last night. GG Allin was in it. Kind of odd to have a dream about a crazy dead guy. For some reason some of the people didn't seem to like what I said, and gave me some nasty looks. I was yelling at GG bout something. I don't rember what exactly. So I watched the band play a song. Then watched GG talk for a lil bit. Wasn't too long of a dream at all.

Went and saw kung fu hustle today was quite a funny movie. Glad I got to see it.

ummm don't really got anything else to say today. weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

love you to pieces

2005-04-29T20:40:01Z

what a dream I had last night. was quite disturbing, and slightly....sexy ;). anyway lets see where to starts this bizzar little dive into my brain tissue.

It's started quite normal I suppose. Was just going to see a movie at the theater. Now that movie was quite a dirty one sex and tons of nudity. It wasn't a porn though? Some kind of art film I think and at the end everyone in the theater got naked. I did too. Someone was filming this little random nudity thing. I thought nothing of it at the time.

So somehow I get clothed before I leave the actual theater. I meet my dad in the parking lot and he starts talking about moving or something. Hmm this area wasn't something familar to me. Rather odd too. Kind of reminded me of las vegas then kind of turned into some forst area. Kind of a dirt road leading out to houses from the giant hotels and paved roads. When we got down to the house it was quite run down, and apparently was a historical house. Probally the reason my dad wanted to live in it.

I looked around this house it looked worse than the one I live in now.

I kind of draw a blank as to what happens after this. hmmmm what happend......

After this I think they re-relased the movie that I had saw with the footage of the people in the theater getting naked. My ass appeared to be bleeding for some reason. Just my butt cheek it was rather odd. My mother talked to me about this and didn't mention the whole blood thing.

I got back to that house and I guess we were living in it now. So for some reason I run away with this heavy back pack. I ran into this one house to find this girl in there that knew me, and apparently had just killed someone. She had towel and was wipping blood off her hands. I tried to ignore this factor and just tried to get out of the house. She seemed to be blocking the only rational exit. So I ended up going out this window into a garage to escape.

Then there was some kind of side story thing going on in the dream dealing with this murderer. Apparently she had just murdered some girl that liked me or something. So she did so she could have me I suppose.

I kept running and running not really going anywhere. There were a bunch of buildings and it appared that I was up on some mountian or hill area of land. I walked around and found this slopping road that took me to other houses, but no exit. The girl was following me I figured out. I tried to hide in some shaddows, but she spotted me. I rushed her and knocked her down. For some reason there was a sword on the ground. What happend next I'm not sure why it happend. I picked up the sword and began cutting her up.

well that was the end. lovely dream wasn't it?

bah

2005-04-28T06:59:22Z

hmm I tried to get some people to come over Saturday. No one came over. Guess they just got better friends/drugs/sex something better than me. More important. hmm Jared took his drums except for two. He said he was going to play for some guy Saturday, and I was like alright then. Thought he'd stop buy friday or saturday to pick up the other two drums. He didn't though. Was expecting someone to call. My parents weren't home so I was completly alone for a day.

So that day I sat around like usual on the computer. At night I watched some gory zombie films. First I watched cementary man, then zombie doom, then zombie 90, and last I watched shaun of the dead. I liked cementary man and shaun of the dead. They were pretty good movies. Zombie Doom and Zombie 90 were just stupid but funny so I enjoyed them.

I kind of got depressed after watching Shaun of the dead. I'm not sure why.

Friday I thought about killing myself saturday while my parents were gone. I was kind of in a good mood when I woke up I don't know why. I filmed some for my short film. I didn't really like part of it. So I guess I'll do it again or something.

I feel like shit.

waking up is harder when you want to die.

2005-03-20T12:06:43Z

nothing good seems to happen anymore.

Life seems harder now and days.

I don't know why I wake up. I sure as hell try not to. I just lay there and force my eyes to shut back up tight. I think I might just not sleep anymore and wait for my mind to waste away.

I need someone to talk to.

There's no one to talk to though.

Some people don't give a damn to pay attention to me, others just don't know what to say.

Hmm my mother told me to talk to her if I was suicidal and such, but hmm just end up in a damn doctor's office and getting pumped full of nasty pills.

Think I'd be more depressed on drugs. Just the idea that I have to take pills to cope with my life isn't too comforting.

I need to change my life. I spend way too much time alone. Spend way too much on the computer too.

Being around people makes me feel lonely. Even if I know them I just don't feel like I'm welcome. Feel left out of everything that's going on.

I think I've said all this before. Why the hell do I keep saying it. No one is paying attention to this anyways. I'm just talking to myself.

50 pages down 70 to go

2005-03-11T10:00:05Z

I think I wrote a decent amount tonight for my screenplay. It's taken about a year to get that far. I wasn't really writing on it for awhile. Just kind of felt uninspired for awhile. I think it was the fucking weather. I'm in a better mood lately, even though stuff isn't any better. It's actually been kind of shitty. With the whole dvd fuck ups I've been having later. First they have to back order haute tension which I wanted to see more than Casshern the other dvd I orderd. So I'm still waiting on it. Suppose to take 2-3 weeks for them to get it in stock. Then they'll ship it. Now I got Casshern like yesterday and tried to watch it and it was scratched pretty good so it didn't even bother to load. Oh shit. I forgot to include something. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh what a fucking world. oh well.

had a funky dream last night.

It started out with me my mom and niece ariving at this underground location in a sub. It was all old like. Kind of reminded me of the one in 20 thousand leauges under the sea. Well part of it did. The other part kind of looked like a normal boat. So we got out of it and walked up these steps to some sort of mall. I went to a book store and got in a fight with some fat ass kid for some reason. He pushed me then I punched him right in his fat face. bastard. j/k I don't really even know what was going. Then I kind of ran off and ended up finding this girl. I went after her calling her name and we made out for some reason. After that I went back to the book store and left with my mom and neice. My mom started up the sub with me still on the outside and I was struggling to get inside the sub. Then in some bizzare b movie looking event I was ripped open by a rock formation and my guts fell out and were draging behind me. But it looked really fake. Then the dream ended.

I use to think I had dull boring dreams. Which they were. Mostly me talking to people. That was it. Nothing else.

I still have those.

Just for some reason I've started having these bizzare ones.

That last one was kind of depressing. The other ones seemed more relaxed and pleasent even at the most graphic. This one was just like I wanted to get through with it all.

and in the middle of investigation I break down

2005-03-04T18:47:25Z

so I was just reading some of the essay prompts for my government class. I figure I should have just stayed in school and took government AP. Most of the essay's are so complex it's troublesome to even think of where to start with it. I hate fucking essay's. It's a waste of time. Most jobs don't need you writing fucking essay's every day or week. Maybe writting a sentance here or there and occasionly maybe a paragraph, but not a fucking essay explaing why you believe something. Politicians write essays and documents filled with facts, sometimes facts that aren't real but back up their thoughts. So, if that's what the point of an essay is using faulty information should be fine as long as it backs up what you're saying.

FUCK ESSAY'S

I kind of had a little fall apart after reading those prompts. It be nice just to have a damn project or some shit instead of write two essay's. They started out nice and esay. I could finish one in a night and be done with that assignment. Since one was only needed. Now it's write two fucking essay's about facts, statements, and current events.

It's a fucking load of shit having to do this meaningless crap. You waste you're fucking life in a shitty school system that doesn't really do anything for you except give you a paper to get a job. A decent job, but not everyones meant to be in those kinds of jobs. For those people they get a few opitions. They can go to college, or some kind of training school. In college you have to learn more meaning less shit that has nothing to do with your carreer. After you've wasted a semester wadding through shit you finally get to do your own thing. I think the only point of this is to get money out of people that drop out. Has no real purpose.

uhhh fuck.

Hmm I had a dream last night. It was strange. I kept going to this one store with my mom. I don't know what the hell it was really, but the first time I picked up a computer for christmas. Another time I was looking at bongs and my mom was talking about how she was alright with me smoking pot. Then another time I was playing this game and taliked to the person that owned the place I guess. The owner had this weird mask on. Then there was a little side part where I was at a school dance? I'm not sure. My dad was like following me around from a distance at this place that looked kind of like a school gym. I walked up to this group of people and talked to them. One of the girls started kind of standing close and put her arm around me. The rest of the group left and I walked around with the girl trying to loss my father I suppose. We went into this bizzar shadowy place. She asked me if I wanted a blow job and I looked over to see a girl on her knees in front of a guy. I said sure, but it wasn't a sure like yeah I want it more of a whatever I don't care. So she unzipped my pants and then I saw my fathers legs and pulled her up and walked quickly away. We found another shadowy spot and it kind of ended there. Then I was back in the store. It was short this time. Nothing really happend.

Now I was at school. It was the ninth grade center that I was at. I was just kind of walking around the courtyard area. Some guy tried to hit me in the face with a bag of chips, and some how in me defending myself from the hit I got a hand full of chips. I went and sat on one of the benches. It was the bench that I sat on at lunch back in 9th grade. There was another guy sitting on it and he handed me a chip. Then the dream was over and I was awake.

I wish life was more like dreams. It all seems more simple and quite nice for the most part. There are the horrific and depressing dreams, but I rather have that then all this depression.

I wish I could self medicate myself sometimes. That's not a way to live though. I don't even want to take legal drugs. I think you cheat yourself. Using those pills like porzak is a kind of self suicide. It's like your body is still fine and dandy, but you've killed your mind. You shatter your thought prosses. Maybe that's what being happy is though, just destroying your thoughts. Not thinking. Maybe that saying is true that ignorance is bliss.

Ignorance doesn't mean your stupid exactly. It can thought. It also means that you're unaware of things. So that's basicly what I said.

bah to bored to finish

2005-02-28T07:14:16Z

hmm well shit. I haven't said anything for awhile on here. I don't even know what the last entry was about. I don't think anyone reads this thing. Well that's ot the point of a journal anyways, or at least I believe it not to be the point. I think it's just so you can get stuff off your mind. It's not really to hide all your feelings and emotions, even though I guess I never really talk about some of the stuff I write about.

There's a reason I don't do that.

I just figure no one really cares, or at least can't offer much advice or help. One person knows what it's like, but they don't have much advice. Since they're just as lost as you are. Then there's the people that don't understand, or at least don't want to so they simply just say don't say such and such. Then they say be happy, or don't be sad.

The thing that really helps is someone that just listens, doesn't give advice or tell you to be happy. Just listens to what's so wrong about you, or possibly your life. That's all that helps me much. Just tempoarary though. It gets me through I suppose, but hmm seems like there's no one to talk to anymore. Everyones busy with this or that. I should be busy, but I'm not. I'm lazy and stupid.

I don't want to go to college, but I think that's my only real choice. My dad keeps saying to join the damn army. Fuck that. I hate taking orders, and hate the idea that someones better than you, or has any control on you.

Blood and Garbage

2005-02-24T09:31:42Z

had a dream last night. Wasn't anything too fancy I didn't think anything of it at the time. I was just ridding around with two people in a truck. It was kind of tight and I was sweating cause it was hot. I'm not sure why I was aware of that but I sure was. Cause I remeber it. So anyways these two people were talking about just random stuff. At one point there was a dog just sitting in the road. The person sitting to the right of me said watch out for the dog, and the driver was like yeah you know my dog was lying in the drive way once. Then that's all I rememeber from that converstation. Then we drove on some more and stopped at a gas station. The driver got out and then came back with this map. We were going along and looking at the map. They started talking about going to this one place, then I said something like damn it sure suck to go in this truck. Then they got quiet and the dream ended.

I woke up kind of down. Thinking about when I hang out with people and they talk about doing something, they pretty much never really include me in on what they're going to do. If they do it's just kind of like an after thought. Makes me feel like no one wants to spend time with me. Shit I haven't hung out with anyone for awhile now. At least it seems like it's been quite awhile since I have. oh well.

I made a film today and actually used music Jared and I made. It's pretty odd I must say, but I don't really care it was fun. Lots of blood and such. I changed my default picture. It was taking during the filming. I think it looks kind of stupid but hmm kind of like it at the same time. Kind of like the last pic.

I think I'm getting some kind of blood fetish, or at least fake blood fetish. I just like playing and messing around with it when I make it. I don't really go outside with an actual plan except just to film blood in some way.

My dad asked if I was sacrifcing animals on the car. I thought that was kind of funny.

Hmm well aparently it's going to rain tomorrow so I guess I'm not going to do any filming. I really need to work on my class stuff :( I hate it so much the stuff I do is fucking stupid and pointless. Alot of it expects you to completley understand the writings and enjoy them as well. I've hated most of the stuff I've had to read. Specially that damn Hamlet play. I think that's probally the worst play shakespear wrote. I think it was just kind of thrown together to please the king. Aparently the king had a thing for the occult so shakespear threw in the witches. It was utter trash.