Home

Advertisement

Customize
About this Journal
Links:
Radio way to kill time horror news wasted cracker open your mind some
Current Month
 1
2345678
9101112131415
16171819202122
23242526272829
3031
Oct. 11th, 2005 @ 03:10 am slowly dying on the inside
Current Mood: like always
Current Music: Modern Romance by Yeah Yeah Yeahs
uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh why do I go on? I don't really know. Maybe some thoughts that something good will come out of the film. Doubt anything will come of it though.

The few things I've written have taken on some kind of attack on society. Angry and spiteful kind of stuff. Use to be just angry and self destructive. Somethings changing. Not sure what. Maybe reality is sinking into my mind slowly.

The worlds no pretty thing.

I'm getting sick of this world. The way people treat people. The way I treat people.

I'd like to say good bye, but I fail to.
About this Entry
2 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Sep. 1st, 2005 @ 01:33 am I'm never on your list
Current Mood: just make it go away
uhh no one stays on anymore. Most people are gone by 10 at night. Then I'm stuck awake till wehnever I just give up on having anyone to talk to. Seems like no one wants to talk to me either though when there are people to talk to. At least most people that I use to talk to fine with, now it seems like their busy. They probably are. Just bothersome being ignored to me. Even if it isn't on purpose. I rarely see anyone I know my age. I don't think I ever did unless I was in school. What sucks about living out in the middle of nowhere. No one wants to drop by. Wish someone would. Anyone. Well not a killer or robber. Someone though.
About this Entry
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Jul. 15th, 2005 @ 06:43 pm necrophila yum yum
Current Mood: hungry
well I feel kind of stupid right about now. Found out that nekromantik was on netflix after all last night. So weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee I'll get to see the first one and second one :D YAY. that is all for now.
About this Entry
2 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Jul. 14th, 2005 @ 11:33 pm *laughs*
I was feeling like poo a lil bit ago. Still kind of blahish right about now. Somewhat better now. This coke and pop tart have fixed me up I believe. Maybe not though I unno. Oh well. weeeeeeeeee Made a lil film involving rain. Can't really tell it raining though *shurgs* kind of lame. *yawn* I'm freaking tired kind of unno why damit. bah.

hmm they sure just said shit alot in that scene of this movie. How crazy.

today was pretty boring today. pretty boring. Had a nice lil talk on the phone today. Was a little too much talking on the other end that made my head hurt, but that ok I didn't mind. weeee

hmm don't gots nothing to say.
About this Entry
3 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Jul. 13th, 2005 @ 01:45 am fucking title
Current Mood: mellow
Current Music: none
I want to see Nekromantik, but it cost alot to buy and I unno bout renting it at pedzo chunk that be odd. 0_o oh well maybe they'll have it on netlix soon. They got Nekormantik 2 on there but not the first one. Wtf is up with that 0_o bastards need to get the first one. They say they're gettin schramm who knows when that could be. I'm glad they're getting more indie/uber cult films. Wish they'd just get them thoughs bastards. Seems like they only get like one copy of the movies I want to see, since I don't like many popular films. Only reason I get films cause they old or no one wants to see them probably lol. uhhh oh wells. I love movies <3

I might go see movie tomorrow weeeeeeeeeeeee. unno though. Just kind of picked one that seemed intersting. So unno weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

hmmm didn't do much today. I just sat here in front of el computer like usual. Made a video of my playing the drums even though I can't. Used this weird red effect on it. Kind of cool made me want to make something else using it. I probably will some day. I unno when I'll do that. Other than that nothign really happend today.

uhh don't think I should have ate those chips and salsa.

wlel hope i have more to write about tomorrow.
About this Entry
3 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Jul. 12th, 2005 @ 04:39 am the caffinee fiend dies
Current Mood: melancholy
Current Music: No Suprises-Radiohead
*vomits* uhh I'm a fucking awful person. killing shit just cause it bugs me. Stupid possum had it coming that bastard. All eating my cats food like it owned the place. I've killed like two of them before last summer. Nasty stuff that was. At least I didn't get any blood on me those times. I feel bad for snuffing the fucker. I don't know why. Kind of looked like a lil furry baby with a tail. Kind of weird how you can kill insects so mindlessly yet anything bigger than a fly makes you think. I don't get how people can kill deer and the likes. I guess I could wouldn't really want to though. I wonder if I could kill a cow if things came down to not being able to get meat any other way. I must admit though I wasn't as hesitant as I was with the first two. Just had to find a weapon and bash it. Cept I didn't really hesiatate much cept to figure out where it was in the bag of cat food. I don't get how people murder other people. People scream and kick and fight agressively. Possum acts dead so you can just bash it repeadtly. Cept once they get the hard enough blow they kind of freak out. Then hit them some more and they finally die. I guess it's the same way with murdering a person. Cept without the regret I guess. Well if you're a serial killer. Just doing it out of rage you probably regret it more than anything. Lifes a funny thing. Stupid thing too. I dont know. I regret doing that. I did it though.

Was having a pretty fucking nice night. Had good amoutn of people talking to me late into the night. Then they slowly went away. Cept for one. I was happy just talking to her. hmm happy lol me happy rare thing isn't it. Quite rare. I feel sad now though. Was fine for an hour or two maybe more. Not sure if I was happy or it was just the large amount of caffinee flowing through my veins. At least I wasn't depressed I guess. weeeeee so yeah everything was going fucking fine then that bastard possum came in ruined everything. Seems like that's how it goes with me being happy or at least at peace with myself. Something comes along and fucks it up. Usually something nice and nasty like that. I remeber this one birthday I had at a pool my dad was suppose to bring pizza and he got a flat. Then the time my dads parents came down to vist us. I was having a nice lovely day buying stuff. Think it was a lil bit after christmas. Had returned a gift and had money so I went and spent it. Then we went and had lunch with my grandparents. My dad had been drinking and when we were in the parking lot she took away his keys and they yelled and so forth. I started to cry was very upset about it. Guess that's why I don't like talking to people I care about when they're drunk. I've grown weary of drunks lately. After having that incident at Bea's. Just don't really want to be around people when they've been drinking. Alright enough of that for now.

I want to do something decent tomorrow not just sit here like I usually do. That's what I always think. *sigh* I think I'm done writing for now.
the titles from a haiku I wrote once
About this Entry
11 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Jul. 8th, 2005 @ 01:36 am shower
I felt like shit today. My stomach had it's lil joke on me. Spent more time in the bathroom than I would like. uhh I hate my stomach. fucking bastard. ahhhhhhhh *rips it out and eats it* wahahaha

anyway. So yeah I felt like shit for most of the day. I still don't feel too great at this time. Not just the stomach but other things. I'll get over most of it most likely. most likely.

had dream last night was odd. I was high and ridding around with someone. We were looking for a party I suppose. First place seemed dark and empty like there was no one there so we left and went somewhere else. Kind of just parked on the side of the road. The guy I was with started walking around in the woods. I just stood by the car all nervouse like. Which is probably what would really happen in such a situation specially when I'm stoned. So anyway he was like hey come hold the flash light. So I went into the woods and held it and found this fire and people. They weren't the peopl we were looking for though apparently so we left. Made the way back to my house. Weird thing was it was day when we were driving back. I didn't want to go home cause I was high, but it was a situation where I had to I guess. There was a school bus in front of us. Then the dream was done with.

I took a long long cold shower tonight. I'd just sit in the tub as the water fell down on me. An odd feeling it is. My hair kind of protected my eyes from getting water splashed in them, before my hair got to o wet, then it was like being attacked by water. Something sothing about it though. Took my mind off of things. Just thought about what I was feeling. Think it made me angry though. I don't know why. Probably the water splashing into my eyes. Stinging. I also would just stand and bend over let the water fall down around me. If I leaned just right it felt like the water was trying to drown me as it went up my nose.

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
About this Entry
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Jul. 6th, 2005 @ 07:07 pm missing
hmm I had a dream last night. only thing I remeber is that part of my penis was missing. I don't know why I noticed it. I don't think it had anything to do with me haivng sex or anything. Just happend to see my penis for some reason and half the head was missing. weirdness.

anyway moo.

I don't really got much to say
About this Entry
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Jun. 27th, 2005 @ 03:22 am push pin boy full of joy
Current Mood: bitchy
there's so much pain in this world...someone somewhere is dying in pain, crying themselves to sleep, getting beaten by their father, getting raped, getting hit by a car, getting shot, slicing their wrist open cause they can't stand being alone and rejected day in and day out. Somewhere someone is doing something like this.

I don't get how child birth can be thought of as happy. It's painful for the mother forcing the child out unless she's drugged up, and painful for the father having to watch his lover go through such pain. Then there's these thoughts I've had about bringing up a child in this awful world. Just keeping them alive long enough till they move out. Then see them every now and then them hating every moment they're around you and just wanting to escape away from your house. That's not always how it happens, but that's how it seems to be with my family.

psh family. My sisters didn't even give me a call on my birthday this year. Even when one of them called a few days later they didn't bother to talk to me. Just like I never had one.

Family is like your friends from school. After awhile you stop seeing them. Then it's like you never even knew them.

Maybe I'm just completly detached from everything. All these thoughts and feelings I have are all my causing. Nothings making me depressed except myself. I'm too blame. Everythings my fault and I can only try and fix it somehow.

The tip of my nose hurts. I'm not sure why. Think it might be sun burned. I looked in the mirror at my ugly self and my nose didn't look sunburnt. It hurts though that's all I know.

I don't get why anyone thinks I'm great or perfect or special or anything. I don't think I'd be here if I was great or any of those other words. I wouldn't spend most of my time alone. Wouldn't be so fucking depressed. Or maybe I would be. I don't know. I just don't see myself as being anything close to great. I'm just another body to go into the ground.

Wish I could just wake up one day and be happy. Just fucking smile like that day was going to be anotehr great day. Not a fucking misrable.

Pains a part of life. Everyone gets sad at some point in their life. Just some live their lifes in pain. Some of these people can rid themselves of it with drugs. Others solve it with suicide. Most just ignor it and try to be happy with what's going on.

I'd like a hug...but oh well.
About this Entry
6 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Jun. 23rd, 2005 @ 03:37 am fucking chicken
Current Mood: angry
fucking shit what's wrong with people. that fucking kid that got stuck up in the mountian his parents are proud of him for hidding from strangers. He could have fucking died if it wasn't for strangers. He's lucky they found his dumb ass when they did. How did god have anything to do with it either? Parents were talking about how there was divine intervention. Watch their kid be the next hitler. Probably not though since most people get their five minutes and that's it. Then again seems like people are getting their five weeks now. Women runs away from being wed and she's on tv for days.
About this Entry
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Jun. 7th, 2005 @ 01:59 am SHIT ON ME! come on and SHIT ON ME!
Current Mood: don't you fucking touch me
It's getting to the atpoint in life where I must leave home soon. I'm not sure if I'm going to make it for long when I move out. Especially if I move out on my own living by myself. Probably be dead in a week if I'm lucky.

I had an awful day today. I'm not sure why it happend but I had a lil break down for some reason. Kind of thought bout how even adults think I'm a joke. Just something to be made fun of. Nothign worth listing to for any reason. Just a piece of shit to be fucked with and laughed at. At least to most people.

Felt better for a little bit my mind got off of this shitty life I have. Then someone came on and ruined what lil peace I had. Wasn't her fault really she didn't know bout the awful day I was having. I sure as hell wasn't in the mood to hear what was said though. Kind of stupid to get upset about it, but I did like always. Never suprised but it still upsets me just the same.

I feel like getting trashed and oding on something right now. Know it's a very stupid thing to do drugs when you're depressed so I guess I won't.

Not that I really want to die or anything, but there's nothing really makign me want to stay around much longer. I just feel so fucked over that I don't know why I even bother waking up. Shit I don't even want to wake up when I do. Usually just want to slame my head back into the pillow and fall back asleep.

Very few people have made me felt like I was worth something to them. Only like one maybe two people have done that.

oh well
About this Entry
3 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
May. 30th, 2005 @ 12:32 am mmmmm jacket *spluges*
Current Mood: I'm ok I guess
So I made out with a coat last night....in my dream that is. I'll get to that in a little bit.

Today I went and saw House of Wax was gory so I was pleased with it. Not the best movie but what horror movie is really that great anyways? That's about all I did today though. weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Last night's dream was kind of ordinary well at first that is. Was just me wandering around town don't remeber if I was alone or not or following someone. After wandering around town for awhile I ended up at someone's house. I was sitting on a couch with some peoples, not sure who they were. Then this couple ran into this room to go at it I suppose. Then after awhile the girl came out and jumped on me and I started making out with either her or her jacket. So that was the dream.

Saturday I erm uhhh didn't really do anything to exciting. Went to get a network cable so I can play online in my room on the ol xbox. I thought it wouldn't work cause when I set it up it kicked me off and said it couldn't find xbox live. Today it worked alright though. So it's all good. Hmm Also got a book from Half Price Books. The book is the great and secret show by Clive Barker. Is prety intersting so far. Hmm what else did I get? Oh yeah this dvd called Blame! I haven't watched it yet.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Friday night I went and saw HUG play live. I must say that was quite an intersting show in genral. Assacre was quite an intersting hmm preformer I suppose you'd call him. He was dressed up in I'm not sure what kind of a messed up robe, and this kind of godzilla looking cloth mask thingy. He played a cd while playing some speed metal along to it on guitar. Was different. There were two other bands wasn't too impressed by them though. I actually got up from my chair when HUG was going on. Was quite fun people were dancing like crazy. I kind of bounced around some. The HUG dancers were quite entertaining. There was a point where confetti was thrown around some and one of the dancers gave me a nice hit on the head with some of it and scared me. Then when HUG played worms that dancer went around feeding people gummy worms and I was like ahhh don't give me one, since I don't like gummy objects they make me gag. I really enjoyed that show. It was freaking awesome. I didn't see the encore though, cause I was freaking tired.

Alright so yeah that's all I gotta say today weeeeeeeeeee
About this Entry
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
May. 28th, 2005 @ 03:54 am lost
Current Mood: sore
was going to write bout the HUG show I went to, but ehhh I feel like shit right now maybe tomorrow though.

so seems like I never have to ask questions I don't want to ask people just tell me what I want to know. Usually the thing I don't want to hear.

I'm giving up on ever having a relationship with someone. cause I either fuck it up, or the girls a whore. So I rather not deal with that.

I'm a fucking mess.

Wish I could change for once, but any time I try to I just stop myself. Then regret it.

I don't know what to do.
About this Entry
1 comment
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
May. 26th, 2005 @ 08:43 pm (no subject)
Current Mood: angry
FUCK
I feel so
lonely
unwanted
betrayed
dead
unhappy
depressed
diseased
sick
broken
crushed
feed up
angry
and other stuff

There's no point in life. That's what religon is for. Fill in that hole. Kind of nice go somewhere that everyone agrees with you, or at least somewhat they do. Kind of a way to escape the world. kind of like a drug.

My mind hurts.....

I'd like to die. I really would. I'm just going to let nature take its' course I guess.

I'm getting sick of people.

Everyone's a whore. Doing something they don't care for, for something they want. Money, sex, drugs, "happines", pain, pleasure, all kinds of shit.

fuck life
About this Entry
2 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
May. 22nd, 2005 @ 10:10 pm going to your funeral I'm feeling like a fool
someone brought up funeral's a lil bit ago. I don't want one personally. Just something I don't want to happen to me. Have a few people gathered around saying how I look all nice and shit. Just gathering around and lying what the fucks the point of that. The persons fucking dead they can't fucking hear you saying things about how nice they look and how nice they were. I don't want that fucking shit.
About this Entry
2 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
May. 20th, 2005 @ 03:01 pm ahhh survey :(
1. Total number of films I own on DVD:

alot lets see 140

2. The last film I bought:

Spawn

3. The last film I watched:

at Home- Spawn

at the movies - Kung Fu Hustle

4. Five films that I watch a lot or that mean a lot to me:

erm Fight club
Rocky Horror picture show
Brazil
High Tension


5. Pick six people and have them put this in their journal:

do this later
About this Entry
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
May. 11th, 2005 @ 06:14 pm (no subject)
Current Mood: waeoriaer
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh forgot to write about a dream I had. so now I gotta write about two dreams I had weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

so

guess I'll start with the first one.

alright this was quite a complex dream involving a simpsons episode about the end of the world(which was on recently) and some surffer guys contemplating the end of the world. I was also watching this episode at the same time. It wasn't really like the simpsons just the characters. It was kind of like some bizzare cult talking about the end of the world. I don't really remeber much. After that it went to the surfer dudes and the world apparently really was ending. So they were coming to terms with stuff. I'm not sure what all happend after this. Was pretty damn long dream. For some reason there was a part with me hanging around with Jared and we went into this store to take a piss. The men's room was in the store itself and didn't have a seprate room. So Jared starts taking a piss and I try to but he keeps pissing towards me. SO I try to avoid it while trying to piss at the same time.

the second dream

I had quite a bit of dreams today, but erm only one part really stood out at least I remebered it.

on to the dream

I was on a bus, not a school bus but a city bus. I don't ride the city bus any so I'm not sure what was up with that. Anyway there was this quite attractive girl sitting behind me. She said hello to me and I ignored her since I didn't know her. Then for some reason I turned around and she talked to me. It was quite odd what she was saying to me. Something about having two jaws, and how it was quite odd that she did. She said it was some disorder. I don't remeber the name though. After that we started kissing eachother. I don't know what that was about. She had quite lovely eyes. Nothing looked odd like some weird jaw or anything. Kind of odd since I've never seen anyone that looks like her.

welllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
I don't really got much to say today. weeeeeeeeeeeee I hope pickle makes me that pink jacket wooooooooooo
About this Entry
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
May. 9th, 2005 @ 12:52 am I like sluts and whore's and I don't care what you think about me
Current Mood: weeeeeee
hmm I had quite an odd dream last night. GG Allin was in it. Kind of odd to have a dream about a crazy dead guy. For some reason some of the people didn't seem to like what I said, and gave me some nasty looks. I was yelling at GG bout something. I don't rember what exactly. So I watched the band play a song. Then watched GG talk for a lil bit. Wasn't too long of a dream at all.

Went and saw kung fu hustle today was quite a funny movie. Glad I got to see it.

ummm don't really got anything else to say today. weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
About this Entry
2 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Apr. 29th, 2005 @ 03:10 pm love you to pieces
Current Mood: wooooooo
what a dream I had last night. was quite disturbing, and slightly....sexy ;). anyway lets see where to starts this bizzar little dive into my brain tissue.

It's started quite normal I suppose. Was just going to see a movie at the theater. Now that movie was quite a dirty one sex and tons of nudity. It wasn't a porn though? Some kind of art film I think and at the end everyone in the theater got naked. I did too. Someone was filming this little random nudity thing. I thought nothing of it at the time.

So somehow I get clothed before I leave the actual theater. I meet my dad in the parking lot and he starts talking about moving or something. Hmm this area wasn't something familar to me. Rather odd too. Kind of reminded me of las vegas then kind of turned into some forst area. Kind of a dirt road leading out to houses from the giant hotels and paved roads. When we got down to the house it was quite run down, and apparently was a historical house. Probally the reason my dad wanted to live in it.

I looked around this house it looked worse than the one I live in now.

I kind of draw a blank as to what happens after this. hmmmm what happend......

After this I think they re-relased the movie that I had saw with the footage of the people in the theater getting naked. My ass appeared to be bleeding for some reason. Just my butt cheek it was rather odd. My mother talked to me about this and didn't mention the whole blood thing.

I got back to that house and I guess we were living in it now. So for some reason I run away with this heavy back pack. I ran into this one house to find this girl in there that knew me, and apparently had just killed someone. She had towel and was wipping blood off her hands. I tried to ignore this factor and just tried to get out of the house. She seemed to be blocking the only rational exit. So I ended up going out this window into a garage to escape.

Then there was some kind of side story thing going on in the dream dealing with this murderer. Apparently she had just murdered some girl that liked me or something. So she did so she could have me I suppose.

I kept running and running not really going anywhere. There were a bunch of buildings and it appared that I was up on some mountian or hill area of land. I walked around and found this slopping road that took me to other houses, but no exit. The girl was following me I figured out. I tried to hide in some shaddows, but she spotted me. I rushed her and knocked her down. For some reason there was a sword on the ground. What happend next I'm not sure why it happend. I picked up the sword and began cutting her up.

well that was the end. lovely dream wasn't it?
About this Entry
2 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link
Apr. 28th, 2005 @ 01:29 am bah
hmm I tried to get some people to come over Saturday. No one came over. Guess they just got better friends/drugs/sex something better than me. More important. hmm Jared took his drums except for two. He said he was going to play for some guy Saturday, and I was like alright then. Thought he'd stop buy friday or saturday to pick up the other two drums. He didn't though. Was expecting someone to call. My parents weren't home so I was completly alone for a day.

So that day I sat around like usual on the computer. At night I watched some gory zombie films. First I watched cementary man, then zombie doom, then zombie 90, and last I watched shaun of the dead. I liked cementary man and shaun of the dead. They were pretty good movies. Zombie Doom and Zombie 90 were just stupid but funny so I enjoyed them.

I kind of got depressed after watching Shaun of the dead. I'm not sure why.

Friday I thought about killing myself saturday while my parents were gone. I was kind of in a good mood when I woke up I don't know why. I filmed some for my short film. I didn't really like part of it. So I guess I'll do it again or something.

I feel like shit.
About this Entry
2 comments
Leave a comment
Permanent Link